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BBF Redder

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Title: The One in which Redder Battles a Silly Girl
Author: Redder

It was a dark and stormy night... no, no. That's a lie. It was actually a rather warm summer night on Route Pi over Two, an upscale path along the coast leading to the rich people's houses. This meant functioning street lights, a paved road, mowed grass, and very few travelers.

Joe “Redder” Andurin was not entirely sure why he decided to adventure off in this particular direction. There was nothing to be found here except for the dirty stares of rich folk in their slick European vehicles, judging him for his generally grungy appearance. As a Pokemon trainer, Redder had to live out of one backpack during the weeks of travel between cities, and therefore didn't really get a chance to shower or change clothes. It was pretty gross, to say the least.

Redder was bored. He had taken this road in the hopes that he could quietly train his Pokemon and fish at the lake, but halfway from the Pokemon Center, he realized that he had left his fishing rod behind. Since he had already gone so far, he decided to just explore. He had been walking for about an hour and hadn't seen a trace of Pokemon, tame or otherwise, and was about to turn back when he thought he spotted a patch of tall grass. With renewed fervor, Redder jogged toward the spot.

The first things he noticed were the three burned Pidgey strewn haphazardly about the ground. The next thing he noticed was a completely eviscerated Sentret just inside the grass. The boy was about to venture inside when someone shouted,


Redder paused, unsure of what was happening. Suddenly, a rather attractive girl about his age pushed her way out of the grass. “We made eye contact! We need to battle Pokemon!”

“What if I refuse?” Redder queried.

“No one refuses Minerva Annabelle Rosaline Ysabelle Serenity Una-Evangeline!”

“Oh my gosh. I hope you gave your parents grief for a name that pretentious.”

“Don't you dare insult the name that I chose for myself!”

Okay, she's an over-privileged brat. But I guess I should at least get some training experience out of this useless trip, Redder thought to himself. “Well my nickname's Redder. Can I call you by something shorter?”

“My friends call me Mary Sue,” the girl said. She brushed a strand of her brilliant, voluminous, shiny, straight, glossy, lower back length, brilliant, well-conditioned, sparkling, raven-black hair out of her face. “Now let's battle. Charizard, go!”

With that, a Charizard bounded out of the tall grass behind Mary Sue, landing in front of her in an aggressive stance.

Redder pulled a pokeball from his pocket. He loved cargo shorts because they were comfy and easy to wear. Plus they had tons of pockets. Redder tossed his pokeball in front of him. “Righteous, I choose you!”

As the pokeball hit the ground, it opened up and a blob of red light shot out of it. The light quickly took shape and solidified into Redder's party leader, Slowpoke (who was named Righteous). The Pokemon already had a goofy grin and a vacant stare on its face as it materialized.

“Haha, seriously? You really expect to beat me with the first stage evolution of a retarded Pokemon?”


“Hey I wasn't ready!” Luckily for Mary Sue, Righteous was still registering its command. “Charizard, use Flamethrower!”

Charizard reared back and gathered fire in its mouth. It began to breath out flames when suddenly a large wave of water manifested on the battlefield and crashed straight into the pseudo-dragon. Charizard fell backwards from the force, dazed and confused by all the water.

“Something tells me you need to talk less and just battle if my Slowpoke thinks faster than you,” Redder said.

“Charizard, return!” Mary Sue said angrily. “Tyranitar, I choose you!”

“What the hell is that? That's not a Pokemon.”

“Yes it is! It's Tyranitar, number 248, the Armor Pokemon, and my daddy bought him for me for Christmas!”

“248? There are only 152 Pokemon,” Redder said in an annoyed voice. “Whatever. I'll humor you and your fake Pokemon. Righteous, return. Golem, do it.”

“Trying to get a type advantage on my rock/dark type with your ground type, huh? Well I'll show you. Ice fang!”

With that, the Tyranitar charged at Golem, its mouth gleaming with icy breath, and bit down on the rock Pokemon's body.

“Dark type? That's not a type of Pokemon. You're silly. Mega Kick that thing in the teeth, Golem!”

Even while inside the other Pokemon's mouth, Golem's foot began to glow. Due to his proximity, Golem easily shoved his foot into Tyranitar's incisors, breaking several of them. The large Pokemon dropped the rock and stumbled back a bit. Golem struggled to his feet, severely weakened by the attack.

“Golem can't learn Mega Kick!”

“This TM05 that I picked up at the Celadon Department Store says otherwise.”

“That's old technology. Whatever. Tyranitar, one more Ice Fang!”

Redder waited for Tyranitar's mouth to close around Golem again. “Explosion.”

Mary Sue had a horrified look on her face when she realized that her precious Tyranitar had bitten down on a rather large bomb. Golem began to glow, and shortly thereafter, exploded. The shockwave knocked both the trainers off their feet. Dust and debris clouded the battlefield for a few moments, and when it all dissipated, both Pokemon were on their backs, completely knocked out.

“It looks like your fake Pokemon bit off a bit more than it could chew.” Redder chuckled.

“You'll pay for that!” Mary Sue said.

“Don't lose your head now,” Redder said. “Still want to battle?”

“It's ok. Daddy will buy me a new one. Dragonite, I choose you! Take to the air with Fly!”

“Cubone, go. Just sit there, I guess, and wait for that dragon to come back down.”

Cubone crossed his arms and tapped his foot impatiently. He drummed a little on the ground with his club.

“Cubone definitely has the type disadvantage here. Why'd you pick him?”

“Because he's pure metal. I mean, he wears his mother's skull. How awesome is that?”

“But he's ground against my flying!”

“I taught him Fire Blast,” Redder said as if a Fire Blasting Cubone was the most normal thing in the world.

“... Although that would have totally surprised me if you hadn't said anything, dragon Pokemon still resist fire.”

“Says the girl who laughed at me when I sent out my Slowpoke against her Charizard.”

“That's not the point!”

“Quit your whining. Wait, how is it that we've had a whole conversation without your Dragonite coming back down?”

“You haven't even ended your turn!” Mary Sue shouted, slightly upset at everything.

Cubone Growled impatiently. Dragonite came flying back down, slamming straight into Cubone's skull helmet. The little Pokemon's helmet absorbed much of the impact, but he was still dazed afterwards.

“Cubone, use Bone Club!”

He quickly recovered and mustered all of his strength to slam his club into Dragonite's belly. Absolutely nothing happened.

“Haha! Flying immunity against ground! Dragonite, Slam the little bugger! ”

“That immunity doesn't even make sense,” Redder said in a calm voice, despite the fact that his Cubone had just been smashed a foot into the ground by a Dragonite. “Return. Righteous, get your butt back out there and use Psychic,” the trainer said while tossing a pokeball.

Slowpoke materialized again, but despite the early instructions, still took some time to process what was going on.

“Now's your chance, Dragonite. Thunder Punch!”

Dragonite brought its fist back, lightning gathering at its finger tips. It charged the poor little Slowpoke and punched him in the face. It was an instant KO.

“Oh dear, I'm out of Pokemon,” Redder said as he recalled his Slowpoke.

“Yes! That means I get to knock you out and take your money!”

“Wait, we agreed to no such-” Redder was rudely interrupted as Mary Sue ran up to him and kicked him in the teeth, knocking him out cold. She went through his pockets until she found his wallet, took exactly half of his current funds, then walked away whistling. Redder began drooling on the sidewalk.